What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 04:32
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I don,t even have a pension.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What did i know ?
I will be 64.
We all went to grammer schools
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
I said to her
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She found it foreign!.
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Who then, do I blame.?
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But, we were locked up after school.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him